The Quarter Life Crisis

Big Sacrifices

     Just about 365 days ago I left everything behind in Las Vegas, and moved to Alaska with HUGE dreams; in 5 years, I was going to go to school for geosciences, open a cigar shop, and build a cabin. Its still a dream, yes, but one that I am perfectly ok with letting go of. The journey that I have been on because of these goals has added more to my life than I ever bargained for, and grand journeys rarely follow a set travel plan.

     So, in February 2019, I stepped on a plane to Alaska, saying see you later to my 5 year old daughter, with a plan for video chats and as many visits and I could afford. Leaving her in the custody her Dad and Stepmom was the most gut wrenching moment of my life. I seriously did have to be medicated to even make it through that day. I also said see you later to one of my best friends, my husband. Him being military, he got orders to Japan and at this point in our relationship we were more than ready to give life a solo shot. His support was crucial.

     Here's the Why: I broke. Life got to be too much, and I lost it,. But, how? I was the happiest person, always having a thirst for adventure and a smile plastered on my face. Here's the reality check... those were all just band aids. There is a saying about a persons emotional "cup", over time that cup fills up more and more. If neglected, those emotions are going to overwhelm and spill over. My cup cracked, didn't just spill over... full on crack....and for a while it seemed that I could no longer hold back any emotions at all. 

     Being too hurt for too long, and not healing from past issues and trauma, I snapped. Digging out from underneath from the sedimentary layers of emotional and physical trauma, guilt, shame, abuse, and neglect like a zombie corpse. Emotionally dead, but my body still very much alive and hungering for change. It was going to be horrible, and painful, but I am so glad that something in this universe kept me going. Once my mind was made up on making a change, my body went into autopilot and plans were set. I was to go back to Alaska, a place where I had always found strength and healing. A place where I knew I HAD to find a way to survive and be strong, because the only other alternative is death.