This is the Life

   The life that I am privileged to lead up here in Alaska is a life like no other, but I suppose that can be said about any place in the world. Locations are as unique as individual people themselves. No two places are truly the same, and like people, some places leave a permanent imprint on your soul. 

    I found strength and perseverance in Fairbanks, gained an appreciation for solitude in Seward, and found hope in well.. Hope. Each place has taught me a lesson, and usually it is learned the hard way. Blood, sweat, piss and tears have gone into my growth as a human, I'm better for it too, a hands on learner as I say. The hardest learned lessons are the ones that tend to stick with you forever. Sometimes, most of the time, the lessons are a result of a new idea, a new passion... aka a failed avenue.

    So, process of elimination.... the paths I have gone down, the lessons have I learned... trail and error. Oh! Places, jobs, people.... no two are the same. It is my belief that a person has more than one soulmate, that applies to much more than just the matters of romance. The things that are just meant to be in one's life. The people, places, and things that have been waiting for you since the dawn of time... the tings you wont know that you were missing until you stumble upon them and life as you know it is changed... forever.

 Life is too short to waste it on unhappiness. I have ONE life to live and it already started out on the crappy side, so my journey is to find what makes me happiest for the remainder of however much life I have left. 

Update on life

Life, As We Don't Know It. 

    My life, the last few months.... I am fairly pissed that I failed to document the epic craziness that has been this year. The last 2 months ESPECIALLY. I've felt more emotions than I care to ever feel, I've learned many many lessons, and the tears have been ever-flowing. Life has KICKED MY ASS this past bit and if you know me, I laugh the entire way and I will most likely go out in search of more and harder lessons to learn. I wouldn't be me if I didn't.

    Many things have happened, I've had some good things, some bad things, some tragic things, and even one thing that made me contemplate if life itself is even real or if we really are in a matrix. My vices of whiskey, weed, and White Cheddar Cheetos Puffs has gone up and down like the tides. My weight has dropped way down, and coincidentally so has my wardrobe. Not a bad deal for an aspiring minimalist, I can fit myself as well as my belongings into some pretty small spaces now. Not a bad deal, I'd say.

    I have gained a sense of wanderlust. My plan of driving down to the lower 48 keeps twisting slowly into a dream of living a complete van life. Maybe a bus! Clifford, my daughter, and I. Although I am reminded that I have life and responsibilities to be putting first. If only there was a way to balance it all. Life throws it's own fair share of curve balls at us, why can't we throw a few of our own back at it? 

    Sometimes I wish I could be the perfect suburban housewife... I really do. Being a free spirit can be exhausting. There is something that keeps calling me though, a presence of mind that I need to keep moving and evolving. I feel like my journey is just starting, instead I am making plans to finish it? Am I giving up or is it actually time to call it and leave Alaska.

    I have my fair share of obstacles to overcome no matter if I stay here or if I leave. I have a few things going in my favor though, I have a paid off truck, and I have a puppy to keep me company. I have a fantastic support system here in Alaska now, and I cannot wait to make the journey back with my daughter. There are so many things that I want to show and share with her. In order to make that happen though, I need to have a much better camping setup... and a much better job. Well, a job in general. One day at a time though. 

Old Sayings Ring True

Old Sayings Ring True

"The Circle of Life" "From the Ashes, New Life Arises."

What if this, the current pandemic, is Mother Earth's way of healing herself from the hurt and pain that we have caused her, the human species as a collective. 

Our planet is an organism in itself. She lives and breathes, and we can visually see this through satellite data, you can see her inhale and exhale. Just maybe Mother Earth has been choking.

I am not saying that this COVID-19 virus is her way of exterminating us or cutting us down... it is a virus that happened however it did, we have no control over that... but, it is undeniable that the break from the overwhelming assault from humanity has given Mother Earth a new lease on life. This virus has given our planet (which should be most sacred, revered and honored) a facelift. 

Hopefully humanity comes out on the better half of this unprecedented conflict and that everyone does what is best for the planet as a whole. We cannot be blind to the fact that such a short absence has been so therapeutic for her. We, humanity, we are the problem. We have all of these environmental protections against this and that, but at what point do we limit OURSELVES from causing so much hurt to the planet? Where is our permit to live and destroy? Im not talking sustainable hunting or fishing with licences, harvesting respectfully... but a liscence to operate a business that requires waste removal, or some sort of registration or tax. 

Finding Inspiration and Transformation

Finding Inspiration and Transformation

In the background of the transition between places, my health was up and down. I was seeing doc after doc and they had no answers for my unexplained weight loss or my crazy aversion to food , an issue that started months before any life changes were even an idea. I was an enigma. So I decided to just roll with it. Maybe my 218lb. body had enough of my crappy life and was doing a force stop. I dealt with the "food swings" and days without solid well balanced meals. Weed became my best friend to make sure I could eat on a day to day basis. Then I started walking EVERYWHERE, 3 miles to work one way, around town, just to enjoy the solitude, ease my never ending thoughts, and it helped me keep my muscles active. My Happy Place. Before I knew it I was regularly walking upwards of 7-8 miles a day. 

I found peace in the walking. I used it as a stress relief, a happy place, a bubble. With my headphones in, I found music that drove me too. From a playlist with a heavy beat when I was mad, to a late night walk with music from an artist who's voice resonated deep in my heart, and so did his own personal journey. If I was out walking at 2 am when everything in the world was asleep... I was most likely finding encouragement from Avi Kaplan. The feeling, soul, and truth in his voice is an unmistakable tell of the road he has traversed and the adventures his heart sings of. The solitude and the inspiration  that came from those late night jam sessions recharged my life.

It's one of those things that become second nature, the walking. In started with one mile and that eventually turned into 3. My therapy. I would find a quiet and secluded spot away from being bothersome to anyone to smoke a joint and meditate on the life I had set out before myself. I could walk miles and miles at this point but I could never ever figure out the next step in my own personal life, where was I going? Was I destined to walk just as aimlessly in life as I did every night through the dusk of the Alaskan midnights?

Plan A for Alaska pt.2

Plan A. for Alaska pt.2

The plan was set, my decision made. In the course of a month I would be transitioning from Las Vegas to Alaska. I had been a stay at home mom and wife for the mass majority of my adult life. I didn't know how to tackle responsibilities. So the master plan that was when my husband got close to leaving for his next duty station in Japan, I would head to the chilly arctic. A baptism by fire into adulthood, in the frozen north of all places. I wanted to pursue Geology, and I had grand plans to go to University, build a log cabin out on a nice river spot within 5 years, open up a business and truly establish myself in a community. Big dreams. No experience. Probably going to crash and burn in a flaming ball of epic failure. Do I do anything other than learn hard lessons from under thought out decisions? Bring it on. This was a test of my own resilience, after all.

Hindsight being 20/20, this was the 'Hold My Beer' of bad decisions. 

Which means that I was about to learn quite a few lessons. 

 My daughter would end up being my prime motivator, I wanted to be someone that she was ultimately proud to look up to, and as of this moment in my life, I definitely was not that. Her father lives in Vegas and she would be staying there full time with him and her stepmom. They had a complete family unit 5 children total, and I was just... me. So the ideal plan for her was this, she would stay in Las Vegas for the school year and come up to Alaska to visit for the summers. Best of both worlds. Mild winter and a family unit, then a mild summer and all the adventures. 

The next month was a battle. I was fighting emotions that can only be described as gut wrenching grief, and my instinct to be a mother to my daughter, was I monster for this? Crying daily, and doing my very best to smile on her behalf every time she ever so sweetly with her big empathetic heart would ask me," Mommy, why are you so sad?"   Explaining to her the distance, planes, video chats, and visits. Her situation would be life changing as well.

 Who was I to make this decision for her? A question that I had asked out to the universe about my own mother. She removed herself from my life, permanently, killing herself when I was only 18 months old. I had no memories of her, just an empty void of curiosity. Of course, my intentions were never in any way about going off into the wilds and never returning back to my daughter. That was the opposite of my intentions. I couldn't wait to have her join me in Alaska, I wanted to teach her to love the outdoors just as much as I had growing up. Today's cities are no longer the just go outside and play till the streetlights come on kind. So, I was going to bring her to the great outdoors. Maybe we could start out on a better path, together. I just needed to find myself, first. 

 Not one day passed by where I didn't think of throwing in the towel and reverting back to my old ways, though, I didn't have much of a choice. As soon as my husband left for Japan, I wouldn't have any connection to Las Vegas other than my daughter.  My greatest ally in this fight was my own past, a valuable tool that I needed to learn and grow from. 

The Epiphany

The Epiphany

There is something to be said about those who leave all attachments behind to go off into the nothingness in order to find themselves. What has happened to them in their life that brought them to that exact moment? Literally throwing their hands up in frustration and saying, "ENOUGH!"

I feel like all nomads have this moment. I, am one of them. Life builds up and up and up and up.... only to get lost in the mix of it all and feel insignificant. Breaking away and free is the equivalent of a butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis, a complete transformation. The trials we face along the way are almost identical to the fight and struggle that the butterfly needs to endure in order for its wings to be strong enough to flutter. 

There is a thought process and a building of courage before deciding to run off into the nothingness and recreate yourself. The nagging thought becoming a craving, then an ache, plans and what ifs swirl and weave themselves in and out of daily thoughts and musings. It builds, the overwhelming feeling of needing to be yourself, then even breathing doesn't fill your lungs the same way that it used to. That is when it happens, the moment of change, that overwhelming climax of emotions.

The Epiphany

Plan A for Alaska. pt.1

Running Away From Home As An Adult

I am a person that, if I pick up the scent of a new passion, I want to throw myself into it with everything I have. A leaf in the wind, most of my projects fizzle out and never take off. Some were great for my soul more than anything, and others are why I am hesitant to even look at cupcakes ever again...

I have found many lessons in my projects, so none of them really ever go to waste. My biggest, most challenging project was stirring in the back of my mind. It would haunt me for months, and the longest I've ever sat on a big decision. Little did I know, it would come with the biggest lessons of my life as well. The biggest project ever, myself. How was I going to do it:

I was Going to Run Away, to Alaska.

Alaska and I have history akin to on again off again lovers. Its been almost a full decade since I fell in love with life again in the almost never-ending embrace of her summer rays, like arms. I found healing from my past that left me bruised, broken, and lackluster on her back roads in my beloved Jeep Cherokee Sport. It was this exact healing that I needed going forward. She was calling me, once more. So I built a plan.

It wasnt as simple as buying a ticket and flying off into the sunset... I had to get everything in order and formulate an actual plan. I had been a stay at home wife and mom for so very long. Which was all the more reason to get the hell up and change my situation, What exactly was calling me? Who were my connections up there? What would I do for work?

I wanted to do Geology. I fell in love with rocks and the landscape while living in a desert climate, I loved seeing the layers of rock build up and tell a story of their existence. The local university has an amazing geology program, problem solved. I connected with a friend that was moving up that way and together we devised a plan for me to stay with him and his wife till I got a decent cushion under me. Lastly. I reached out to my old boss, I told him the situation and before the end of a 40 minute phone call, I had a job. That was all the easy stuff. The hardest part was still looming over my head like an executioners blade. Telling my husband and daughter that I was making plans to leave. Not just, move to a different neighborhood kind of leave. Like, move THOUSANDS of miles and an ocean kind of leave. 

Whiskey and Weed

Whiskey and Weed

So, I sit here with my mind rambling on and on and on about what I could possibly share with the world... what can I contribute to humanity?  In this day in age, everyone is online, the entire world at our fingertips, knowledge flowing throughout the interwebs like water. Life experiences. I feel like personal experiences, the ones that define us, the stories we tell to our friends, the peanut gallery. Those are the most valuable resources that are rarely sought out nowadays.

I'm celebrating today, because I finally followed through on something that I set my mind to, one that did not have anything to do with packing all of my shit and running away at least. so,  WOOOHOOOO!!! Go me! I started this blog. a personal diary of sorts. May the Whiskey flow and the weed be ever uplifting, because the world needs more reasons to celebrate! I mean, I did something that I feel that any bored highschooler could do on any given night. but seriously. why not. This is my outlet.

The random musings of me. Its better than leaving them trapped into my head, and I would much rather be writing them all out and finding some inspiration from them than to just be letting them go and playing catch up when a thought strikes gold.

I'm not sure what kinds of things I should or will end up posting to my blog, maybe it really will end up as a personal diary. I have so many secrets that I would LOVE to share with the world. Secrets that would crush the hearts of people close to me, so who knows. Maybe the entire world, eventually.

The life I have lived has been an interesting one so far. Fuck it. Time to share stories with the world. Come of it what it may.

The Quarter Life Crisis

Big Sacrifices

     Just about 365 days ago I left everything behind in Las Vegas, and moved to Alaska with HUGE dreams; in 5 years, I was going to go to school for geosciences, open a cigar shop, and build a cabin. Its still a dream, yes, but one that I am perfectly ok with letting go of. The journey that I have been on because of these goals has added more to my life than I ever bargained for, and grand journeys rarely follow a set travel plan.

     So, in February 2019, I stepped on a plane to Alaska, saying see you later to my 5 year old daughter, with a plan for video chats and as many visits and I could afford. Leaving her in the custody her Dad and Stepmom was the most gut wrenching moment of my life. I seriously did have to be medicated to even make it through that day. I also said see you later to one of my best friends, my husband. Him being military, he got orders to Japan and at this point in our relationship we were more than ready to give life a solo shot. His support was crucial.

     Here's the Why: I broke. Life got to be too much, and I lost it,. But, how? I was the happiest person, always having a thirst for adventure and a smile plastered on my face. Here's the reality check... those were all just band aids. There is a saying about a persons emotional "cup", over time that cup fills up more and more. If neglected, those emotions are going to overwhelm and spill over. My cup cracked, didn't just spill over... full on crack....and for a while it seemed that I could no longer hold back any emotions at all. 

     Being too hurt for too long, and not healing from past issues and trauma, I snapped. Digging out from underneath from the sedimentary layers of emotional and physical trauma, guilt, shame, abuse, and neglect like a zombie corpse. Emotionally dead, but my body still very much alive and hungering for change. It was going to be horrible, and painful, but I am so glad that something in this universe kept me going. Once my mind was made up on making a change, my body went into autopilot and plans were set. I was to go back to Alaska, a place where I had always found strength and healing. A place where I knew I HAD to find a way to survive and be strong, because the only other alternative is death.

Gypsy Lynn, the Beginning

Gypsy Lynn

Redhead, not the kind that needs meds, outdoorsy, can dress up or dress down, a unicorn in the bedroom, caring heart, easily likable... so why am I here, in this exact spot in life... single and struggling to find a shred of motivation. Balancing independent badass with complete hot mess that would benefit from an emotional support human. 

Our life experiences make us who we are, not only what happens to us but also how we respond and learn from them. I've carried myself through life and  Its completely fair to say that I've learned some important lessons in my 28 years, maybe you can learn from the mistakes I've made but honestly, just enjoy the stories of my youth and the random thoughts of a rambling adventurer.