Finding Inspiration and Transformation

Finding Inspiration and Transformation

In the background of the transition between places, my health was up and down. I was seeing doc after doc and they had no answers for my unexplained weight loss or my crazy aversion to food , an issue that started months before any life changes were even an idea. I was an enigma. So I decided to just roll with it. Maybe my 218lb. body had enough of my crappy life and was doing a force stop. I dealt with the "food swings" and days without solid well balanced meals. Weed became my best friend to make sure I could eat on a day to day basis. Then I started walking EVERYWHERE, 3 miles to work one way, around town, just to enjoy the solitude, ease my never ending thoughts, and it helped me keep my muscles active. My Happy Place. Before I knew it I was regularly walking upwards of 7-8 miles a day. 

I found peace in the walking. I used it as a stress relief, a happy place, a bubble. With my headphones in, I found music that drove me too. From a playlist with a heavy beat when I was mad, to a late night walk with music from an artist who's voice resonated deep in my heart, and so did his own personal journey. If I was out walking at 2 am when everything in the world was asleep... I was most likely finding encouragement from Avi Kaplan. The feeling, soul, and truth in his voice is an unmistakable tell of the road he has traversed and the adventures his heart sings of. The solitude and the inspiration  that came from those late night jam sessions recharged my life.

It's one of those things that become second nature, the walking. In started with one mile and that eventually turned into 3. My therapy. I would find a quiet and secluded spot away from being bothersome to anyone to smoke a joint and meditate on the life I had set out before myself. I could walk miles and miles at this point but I could never ever figure out the next step in my own personal life, where was I going? Was I destined to walk just as aimlessly in life as I did every night through the dusk of the Alaskan midnights?

Plan A for Alaska pt.2

Plan A. for Alaska pt.2

The plan was set, my decision made. In the course of a month I would be transitioning from Las Vegas to Alaska. I had been a stay at home mom and wife for the mass majority of my adult life. I didn't know how to tackle responsibilities. So the master plan that was when my husband got close to leaving for his next duty station in Japan, I would head to the chilly arctic. A baptism by fire into adulthood, in the frozen north of all places. I wanted to pursue Geology, and I had grand plans to go to University, build a log cabin out on a nice river spot within 5 years, open up a business and truly establish myself in a community. Big dreams. No experience. Probably going to crash and burn in a flaming ball of epic failure. Do I do anything other than learn hard lessons from under thought out decisions? Bring it on. This was a test of my own resilience, after all.

Hindsight being 20/20, this was the 'Hold My Beer' of bad decisions. 

Which means that I was about to learn quite a few lessons. 

 My daughter would end up being my prime motivator, I wanted to be someone that she was ultimately proud to look up to, and as of this moment in my life, I definitely was not that. Her father lives in Vegas and she would be staying there full time with him and her stepmom. They had a complete family unit 5 children total, and I was just... me. So the ideal plan for her was this, she would stay in Las Vegas for the school year and come up to Alaska to visit for the summers. Best of both worlds. Mild winter and a family unit, then a mild summer and all the adventures. 

The next month was a battle. I was fighting emotions that can only be described as gut wrenching grief, and my instinct to be a mother to my daughter, was I monster for this? Crying daily, and doing my very best to smile on her behalf every time she ever so sweetly with her big empathetic heart would ask me," Mommy, why are you so sad?"   Explaining to her the distance, planes, video chats, and visits. Her situation would be life changing as well.

 Who was I to make this decision for her? A question that I had asked out to the universe about my own mother. She removed herself from my life, permanently, killing herself when I was only 18 months old. I had no memories of her, just an empty void of curiosity. Of course, my intentions were never in any way about going off into the wilds and never returning back to my daughter. That was the opposite of my intentions. I couldn't wait to have her join me in Alaska, I wanted to teach her to love the outdoors just as much as I had growing up. Today's cities are no longer the just go outside and play till the streetlights come on kind. So, I was going to bring her to the great outdoors. Maybe we could start out on a better path, together. I just needed to find myself, first. 

 Not one day passed by where I didn't think of throwing in the towel and reverting back to my old ways, though, I didn't have much of a choice. As soon as my husband left for Japan, I wouldn't have any connection to Las Vegas other than my daughter.  My greatest ally in this fight was my own past, a valuable tool that I needed to learn and grow from.