The Great Journey: The Beginning

The Great Journey: The Beginning

Life and necessity have always been my guiding factors. What was going on in my life, and what was necessary to get through it? One morning I woke up and my mindset was changed. I decided to embark on an epic journey to find my place in this world based solely on my own desires. To stop only when I found the perfect place to plant my roots and call "Home". Little did I know, my life was about to be filled with the unbelievable. 

 It started May 15, 2020 in Fairbanks, Alaska. 

The truck was a complete gift, as was the puppy. Bought and paid off in two days, an amazing gentleman with more money than he knew what to do with took a shining to me and changed my life forever. I went from walking everywhere, sometimes up to 11 miles in one day, to the owner of a gorgeous truck... A huge red Chevy Silverado with all the bells and whistles and an adorable German Shepherd puppy that I named Clifford. Disbelief. Stuff like that doesn't happen, and most definitely not to me! Where was Oprah hiding? Ellen? After the truck was bought and placed in my name, that gentleman disappeared. Poof. Gone.  

Life changed rapidly for us after that. I had a quick and fast falling out with my roommate, and Covid shutting down the world made my boss unsure of paychecks. I took whatever money I had and got a vacation rental in Seward, Alaska for an entire month. A beautiful studio cottage, tucked into the woods right off of the river. I was giving myself permission to check out and take the appropriate time to figure out what the next best step was. Little did I know what was in store for both Clifford and I. Rest and relaxation would be the very farthest thing from what I would find during my stay at that sweet little cottage in the seaside town .

This is the Life

   The life that I am privileged to lead up here in Alaska is a life like no other, but I suppose that can be said about any place in the world. Locations are as unique as individual people themselves. No two places are truly the same, and like people, some places leave a permanent imprint on your soul. 

    I found strength and perseverance in Fairbanks, gained an appreciation for solitude in Seward, and found hope in well.. Hope. Each place has taught me a lesson, and usually it is learned the hard way. Blood, sweat, piss and tears have gone into my growth as a human, I'm better for it too, a hands on learner as I say. The hardest learned lessons are the ones that tend to stick with you forever. Sometimes, most of the time, the lessons are a result of a new idea, a new passion... aka a failed avenue.

    So, process of elimination.... the paths I have gone down, the lessons have I learned... trail and error. Oh! Places, jobs, people.... no two are the same. It is my belief that a person has more than one soulmate, that applies to much more than just the matters of romance. The things that are just meant to be in one's life. The people, places, and things that have been waiting for you since the dawn of time... the tings you wont know that you were missing until you stumble upon them and life as you know it is changed... forever.

 Life is too short to waste it on unhappiness. I have ONE life to live and it already started out on the crappy side, so my journey is to find what makes me happiest for the remainder of however much life I have left. 

Update on life

Life, As We Don't Know It. 

    My life, the last few months.... I am fairly pissed that I failed to document the epic craziness that has been this year. The last 2 months ESPECIALLY. I've felt more emotions than I care to ever feel, I've learned many many lessons, and the tears have been ever-flowing. Life has KICKED MY ASS this past bit and if you know me, I laugh the entire way and I will most likely go out in search of more and harder lessons to learn. I wouldn't be me if I didn't.

    Many things have happened, I've had some good things, some bad things, some tragic things, and even one thing that made me contemplate if life itself is even real or if we really are in a matrix. My vices of whiskey, weed, and White Cheddar Cheetos Puffs has gone up and down like the tides. My weight has dropped way down, and coincidentally so has my wardrobe. Not a bad deal for an aspiring minimalist, I can fit myself as well as my belongings into some pretty small spaces now. Not a bad deal, I'd say.

    I have gained a sense of wanderlust. My plan of driving down to the lower 48 keeps twisting slowly into a dream of living a complete van life. Maybe a bus! Clifford, my daughter, and I. Although I am reminded that I have life and responsibilities to be putting first. If only there was a way to balance it all. Life throws it's own fair share of curve balls at us, why can't we throw a few of our own back at it? 

    Sometimes I wish I could be the perfect suburban housewife... I really do. Being a free spirit can be exhausting. There is something that keeps calling me though, a presence of mind that I need to keep moving and evolving. I feel like my journey is just starting, instead I am making plans to finish it? Am I giving up or is it actually time to call it and leave Alaska.

    I have my fair share of obstacles to overcome no matter if I stay here or if I leave. I have a few things going in my favor though, I have a paid off truck, and I have a puppy to keep me company. I have a fantastic support system here in Alaska now, and I cannot wait to make the journey back with my daughter. There are so many things that I want to show and share with her. In order to make that happen though, I need to have a much better camping setup... and a much better job. Well, a job in general. One day at a time though. 

Old Sayings Ring True

Old Sayings Ring True

"The Circle of Life" "From the Ashes, New Life Arises."

What if this, the current pandemic, is Mother Earth's way of healing herself from the hurt and pain that we have caused her, the human species as a collective. 

Our planet is an organism in itself. She lives and breathes, and we can visually see this through satellite data, you can see her inhale and exhale. Just maybe Mother Earth has been choking.

I am not saying that this COVID-19 virus is her way of exterminating us or cutting us down... it is a virus that happened however it did, we have no control over that... but, it is undeniable that the break from the overwhelming assault from humanity has given Mother Earth a new lease on life. This virus has given our planet (which should be most sacred, revered and honored) a facelift. 

Hopefully humanity comes out on the better half of this unprecedented conflict and that everyone does what is best for the planet as a whole. We cannot be blind to the fact that such a short absence has been so therapeutic for her. We, humanity, we are the problem. We have all of these environmental protections against this and that, but at what point do we limit OURSELVES from causing so much hurt to the planet? Where is our permit to live and destroy? Im not talking sustainable hunting or fishing with licences, harvesting respectfully... but a liscence to operate a business that requires waste removal, or some sort of registration or tax. 

Finding Inspiration and Transformation

Finding Inspiration and Transformation

In the background of the transition between places, my health was up and down. I was seeing doc after doc and they had no answers for my unexplained weight loss or my crazy aversion to food , an issue that started months before any life changes were even an idea. I was an enigma. So I decided to just roll with it. Maybe my 218lb. body had enough of my crappy life and was doing a force stop. I dealt with the "food swings" and days without solid well balanced meals. Weed became my best friend to make sure I could eat on a day to day basis. Then I started walking EVERYWHERE, 3 miles to work one way, around town, just to enjoy the solitude, ease my never ending thoughts, and it helped me keep my muscles active. My Happy Place. Before I knew it I was regularly walking upwards of 7-8 miles a day. 

I found peace in the walking. I used it as a stress relief, a happy place, a bubble. With my headphones in, I found music that drove me too. From a playlist with a heavy beat when I was mad, to a late night walk with music from an artist who's voice resonated deep in my heart, and so did his own personal journey. If I was out walking at 2 am when everything in the world was asleep... I was most likely finding encouragement from Avi Kaplan. The feeling, soul, and truth in his voice is an unmistakable tell of the road he has traversed and the adventures his heart sings of. The solitude and the inspiration  that came from those late night jam sessions recharged my life.

It's one of those things that become second nature, the walking. In started with one mile and that eventually turned into 3. My therapy. I would find a quiet and secluded spot away from being bothersome to anyone to smoke a joint and meditate on the life I had set out before myself. I could walk miles and miles at this point but I could never ever figure out the next step in my own personal life, where was I going? Was I destined to walk just as aimlessly in life as I did every night through the dusk of the Alaskan midnights?

Plan A for Alaska pt.2

Plan A. for Alaska pt.2

The plan was set, my decision made. In the course of a month I would be transitioning from Las Vegas to Alaska. I had been a stay at home mom and wife for the mass majority of my adult life. I didn't know how to tackle responsibilities. So the master plan that was when my husband got close to leaving for his next duty station in Japan, I would head to the chilly arctic. A baptism by fire into adulthood, in the frozen north of all places. I wanted to pursue Geology, and I had grand plans to go to University, build a log cabin out on a nice river spot within 5 years, open up a business and truly establish myself in a community. Big dreams. No experience. Probably going to crash and burn in a flaming ball of epic failure. Do I do anything other than learn hard lessons from under thought out decisions? Bring it on. This was a test of my own resilience, after all.

Hindsight being 20/20, this was the 'Hold My Beer' of bad decisions. 

Which means that I was about to learn quite a few lessons. 

 My daughter would end up being my prime motivator, I wanted to be someone that she was ultimately proud to look up to, and as of this moment in my life, I definitely was not that. Her father lives in Vegas and she would be staying there full time with him and her stepmom. They had a complete family unit 5 children total, and I was just... me. So the ideal plan for her was this, she would stay in Las Vegas for the school year and come up to Alaska to visit for the summers. Best of both worlds. Mild winter and a family unit, then a mild summer and all the adventures. 

The next month was a battle. I was fighting emotions that can only be described as gut wrenching grief, and my instinct to be a mother to my daughter, was I monster for this? Crying daily, and doing my very best to smile on her behalf every time she ever so sweetly with her big empathetic heart would ask me," Mommy, why are you so sad?"   Explaining to her the distance, planes, video chats, and visits. Her situation would be life changing as well.

 Who was I to make this decision for her? A question that I had asked out to the universe about my own mother. She removed herself from my life, permanently, killing herself when I was only 18 months old. I had no memories of her, just an empty void of curiosity. Of course, my intentions were never in any way about going off into the wilds and never returning back to my daughter. That was the opposite of my intentions. I couldn't wait to have her join me in Alaska, I wanted to teach her to love the outdoors just as much as I had growing up. Today's cities are no longer the just go outside and play till the streetlights come on kind. So, I was going to bring her to the great outdoors. Maybe we could start out on a better path, together. I just needed to find myself, first. 

 Not one day passed by where I didn't think of throwing in the towel and reverting back to my old ways, though, I didn't have much of a choice. As soon as my husband left for Japan, I wouldn't have any connection to Las Vegas other than my daughter.  My greatest ally in this fight was my own past, a valuable tool that I needed to learn and grow from. 

The Epiphany

The Epiphany

There is something to be said about those who leave all attachments behind to go off into the nothingness in order to find themselves. What has happened to them in their life that brought them to that exact moment? Literally throwing their hands up in frustration and saying, "ENOUGH!"

I feel like all nomads have this moment. I, am one of them. Life builds up and up and up and up.... only to get lost in the mix of it all and feel insignificant. Breaking away and free is the equivalent of a butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis, a complete transformation. The trials we face along the way are almost identical to the fight and struggle that the butterfly needs to endure in order for its wings to be strong enough to flutter. 

There is a thought process and a building of courage before deciding to run off into the nothingness and recreate yourself. The nagging thought becoming a craving, then an ache, plans and what ifs swirl and weave themselves in and out of daily thoughts and musings. It builds, the overwhelming feeling of needing to be yourself, then even breathing doesn't fill your lungs the same way that it used to. That is when it happens, the moment of change, that overwhelming climax of emotions.

The Epiphany